OCTOBER 2, 2016

Alhamdulillah! I opened my blog. But actually why? I am not an expert on writing but always keep on talking to myself. What I think is that there must be a small corner in the world where you can keep these words safe. These words are somewhat valuable because if you think carefully, these thoughts seem to keep your brain busy for once or even twice at max. Okay the last few words were for those random thoughts that generate in your sub-conscious mind.

But what about those that you really want to say? You have dying inside, trying to shout out loud, you have crying to say all these but alas there is no one to actually sit down beside you, brush his or her fingers though your hair and listen to you. This is the place my friend. Go on!! Write, tell, picture, argue and most importantly express yourself. You will be relieved from all those shackles that held you back. Just remember, before you had the courage to break free, you craved for a single person and so when you broke free, you have a million eavesdropper. See ya next time !!

MARCH 8, 2017

I become friends with people and then a process follows. First we’re strangers, then we get to know each other and then we become close friends and then come even closer still. Being very close to someone does not necessarily need to be described as a relationship because I don’t have the mentality of creating an imbalance in this beautiful friendship and also when the other person is engaged in something, I don’t even think of anything like that. The way I see friendship, or even close ones, is that there would be subjects and reasons for care, support, love, understanding, trust, respect, priorities and obviously selfishness. And this has to come from both sides, one sided point view of anything is useless, rather a reason for destruction for the person more invested in the friendship. I seem to see them as a part of my life.

In our friendship we came closer and also shared a lot of things (you shared less things though). But then after sometime, due to some unknown reasons (at least unknown to me) we seemed to drift apart. It felt like you were avoiding me. We used to talk a lot but that conversation turned to something where I seemed to be of forceful (or rather I should say desperate) nature. Unless I badgered you, you didn’t seem to talk. I felt that you didn’t like me anymore. The thing is, whenever I become close to someone, I seem to expect a lot from him or her. I seem to associate them with everything I get into, include them in each and every plan of mine and people might say I get a bit biased towards them. Yes, that is true. Whenever I used to upload a new picture or even a status, no matter how lame that was, I always expected that you would come up and say something either praiseworthy or against it. Reactions in Facebook were a mere a way of expressing that feeling. Especially when you have a trio of close friends and an instantaneous priority goes to the other person and not me, things hurt a lot. Facebook back then became a reason of depression for me. Things like this started to disturb me a lot both mentally and physically. I started to have anxiety attacks, my whole body shivered, palpitation increased and fever started to come up on a regular basis. My interest in work and studies gradually dropped. I turned a bit more sensitive. I also expected that you would include me in friendly plans that you made (if it’s not personal) and also engage me into opportunities that you got.

But I am sorry because I made a mistake. I was wrong. Things are not bound to happen the way I want it to happen. Everyone has their own life and each and everyone’s life is independent. I might take things seriously but the others won’t. I might be regarded as a voodoo of necessity, or even I may be wrong. I am a simple person having simple thoughts. I don’t understand niether do I want to understand any evil pranks or pranks of deceit. Allah gave us a short life and taught us to do good for people, help them, love them and make sure they, as well as we ourselves stay happy. But if a friendship forces me to change my thoughts and habits, is that the friendship I craved for? Yes I know I am emotional or even I talk a lot but that is the way I want to live my life. I want to speak the truth and keep nothing hidden in my mind. I want to share thoughts and ideas with people rather than be someone reserved.

I am sorry again that I bragged a lot about our friendship. You came close and then suddenly you went far away. Yes I was hurt. I know I get very close to people, force them to do something they are not willing to but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I would be a subject of some unavoidable suspicion. I have no interest in forcing into someone’s personal affairs. I just wanted some very good friends, some really close ones, with whom I can share my thoughts, cherish my dreams, trust them, who would not have any problems with me, would insult me and at the same time care for me. And on the other hand I must have the chance to give away everything for them. I guess, under the circumstances of this world and the situations, I am daydreaming.

Yes I am dead. I never thought reality was too hard. Nevertheless I still have a life where I can be me. Be selfish and think before you make friends.